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Literature Text
I
She had been leafing
Through the pages
Of History's
Mildewed cataracts.
Memorising a hundred
Shaddows
Of sweaty fingers,
So she could
Tattoo
Their creeping purpose,
Across my
Intention.
I was reading
Fantasy novels through a spyglass,
Wishing on cardboard
Stars,
Whilst
She filled my mouth
With Gears,
Then taught me how
To whistle-chime
The hours of her
Wrist watch.
II
Apparently,
Intentions are
Followed by actions.
She said
"It is all about this moment" but,
I figure, acting in the moment
Requires one
Hell of an actor.
III
She took my hand,
So I threw us
Down the garden well,
In the hope of
Finding an
Ocean.
We found a
Bottle neck.
Plateaued
In her endless nights
And silent answers.
I scraped my way
Back
Up a crumbling
Mine shaft,
While she stayed,
Expectant.
She had been leafing
Through the pages
Of History's
Mildewed cataracts.
Memorising a hundred
Shaddows
Of sweaty fingers,
So she could
Tattoo
Their creeping purpose,
Across my
Intention.
I was reading
Fantasy novels through a spyglass,
Wishing on cardboard
Stars,
Whilst
She filled my mouth
With Gears,
Then taught me how
To whistle-chime
The hours of her
Wrist watch.
II
Apparently,
Intentions are
Followed by actions.
She said
"It is all about this moment" but,
I figure, acting in the moment
Requires one
Hell of an actor.
III
She took my hand,
So I threw us
Down the garden well,
In the hope of
Finding an
Ocean.
We found a
Bottle neck.
Plateaued
In her endless nights
And silent answers.
I scraped my way
Back
Up a crumbling
Mine shaft,
While she stayed,
Expectant.
Hmm. Im not sure if it is finished. I would really appreciate any criticisms 
My main issue is whether it all ties into itself. I have been playing with breaking poems into sections, usually three, and exploring what this can do for the theme of it all. That specifically, I would like some input on, but general criticism is great
My main issue is whether it all ties into itself. I have been playing with breaking poems into sections, usually three, and exploring what this can do for the theme of it all. That specifically, I would like some input on, but general criticism is great © 2011 - 2024 WhoDunyerVoodun
Comments22
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I always have a hard time giving critique, so for that I apologize. I can tell you what I think works, though.
I think the three sections works well for this poem-- it gives the sense of traveling through the relationship in different places. It works to show how each part of the relationship related to the next and the end of it.
I also like the imagery you used here. Somehow, even with your old-world wording, you make your poems completely modern. This specific poem reminds me of a song by Neutral Milk Hotel-- Two-Headed Boy Pt. 2." Considering they're one of my favorite bands, I think it's lovely.
I think the three sections works well for this poem-- it gives the sense of traveling through the relationship in different places. It works to show how each part of the relationship related to the next and the end of it.
I also like the imagery you used here. Somehow, even with your old-world wording, you make your poems completely modern. This specific poem reminds me of a song by Neutral Milk Hotel-- Two-Headed Boy Pt. 2." Considering they're one of my favorite bands, I think it's lovely.